Tuesday, March 16, 2010


In the last several weeks my world has just fallen apart. My daughter passing away seems so unreal- how can she? she was in her mid 30's- and this has now brought flooding back the memories of my late husband passing away. So much pain, grief and mourning.

At night, I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. My thoughts are incoherent pieces of a puzzle that I have grown really tired of. My heartache will not go away. Or the guilt. Or the regret. I am out of tears, out of prayers and wonder in silence. Is God up there, beyond the ceiling? I know that God is there, but at this point today, I can not feel Him.

I feel like I am in the ocean, with the waves crashing over me. the waves just keep coming at the weirdest times. Some are big and some are just small baby waves. I know that the waves will become farther apart as time goes by, but that does not help right now.

I know all of this is "normal"- but it is hard. I can be just fine and then not remember anything- like my brain is fried. And the tears at the craziest times- Just sitting reading a book-(same page over and over) I start to cry.

I miss H. I miss B. This just should not have happened.


Brenda said...

I wish I were with you right now, to give you a hug. You have been through so much. God understands grief, and He loves you; you know that, but your feelings are so tender tight now that you are having doubts. So I'm inviting you to the beach to give you space to focus on God, and I'll continue to pray for rest and peace for you. Much love, my friend...see you soon...

Sewconsult said...

Saying a prayer for you as you progress through your grief.
Beckie in Brentwood, TN

beBOLDjen said...

Pam, It's been a while since I've been by for a visit. My heart is so heavy to find this news waiting here. I am so deepely saddened over the loss of your daughter. My prayers are with you and your family as you grieve.

Aus said...

You're right - it shouldn't have happened - parents should never bury their children...and yeah - I'm sure that you are wondering there He is right now, even His Son did for a minute...but trust me on this one - there are only one set of footprints on the beach right now....you just are too close to it to tell!

hugs and prayers - aus and co.

Anonymous said...

This is a hug that I wish I could give you personally. It is filled with love and comfort. It hurts and I'm there with you... Even though I'm here wishing I was there with you. I just want to remind you that I DO LOVE YOU, and I wish I could help to take this pain from you. Only Our LORD can do that and in His time it DOES get better. Hang in there knowing the HE is with you, holding you with the arms that never fail.

Give Juan a Hug from me too.

Billy Galloway

Virginia Storzbach said...

Oh I am so so sorry to hear about the passing of your daughter. I will pray that your grief pass's by although I know you will always miss her.
Hope to see you some Thursday at Bible Study if you feel up to it my friend.