In the last several weeks my world has just fallen apart. My daughter passing away seems so unreal- how can she? she was in her mid 30's- and this has now brought flooding back the memories of my late husband passing away. So much pain, grief and mourning.
At night, I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. My thoughts are incoherent pieces of a puzzle that I have grown really tired of. My heartache will not go away. Or the guilt. Or the regret. I am out of tears, out of prayers and wonder in silence. Is God up there, beyond the ceiling? I know that God is there, but at this point today, I can not feel Him.
I feel like I am in the ocean, with the waves crashing over me. the waves just keep coming at the weirdest times. Some are big and some are just small baby waves. I know that the waves will become farther apart as time goes by, but that does not help right now.
I know all of this is "normal"- but it is hard. I can be just fine and then not remember anything- like my brain is fried. And the tears at the craziest times- Just sitting reading a book-(same page over and over) I start to cry.
I miss H. I miss B. This just should not have happened.